[life] UNDER THE KNIFE

So today was the first time I've ever had a real operation!

I've been suffering from a inguinal hernia for some time and finally had time to get it taken care of. Oddly enough, mine didn't result in any pain and little to no real discomfort. However, after having it checked, the doctor and I decided it would be best to treat it before it became a real issue. Basically the procedure involves cutting me open, placing a synthetic patch over my abdominal wall and then closing me up. Nothing major at all.

The entire hospital visit itself was brief. After I finally put on my hospital gown (complete with awesome socks) I couldn't help but replay the scene in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Frank has a hospital gown on and is spinning around saying, "It really let's your ass breathe." Right after the nurse locked up all my stuff and put a security tie on the locker, I realized I still had my underwear on. I felt bad that she had the cut the tie and use another but I said to her, "Sorry, I just noticed that I was a lot warmer than I should be." After I removed them I said, "Yup, now I can feel the difference in temperature!"

I was the first operation of the day so most of the nurses were either walking around waiting for the doctor to get there. Every so often one would come in and chat with me. Two of them were FIlipino so we talked about the Manny Pacquiao fight. I told one of them an incident that happened a few days ago where a drunken British guy came up to me at a bar and asked me if I was Filipino. I replied "yes" enthusiastically and started shouting about Manny Pacquiao. He said I looked like him and as far as I can remember, we shouted some more and shared a man hug. As I told the nurse the story she was in the process of leaving my room but then walked back in to see if I did look like Pacquiao. She exclaimed, "oh you don't look like him!" and left the room.

Once I was all prepped and ready to go they started wheeling me into the operating room. It reminded me of all those scenes in movies where someone is being rushed down a hall way in critical condition. Nurses surround the patient and they are asking all sorts of medical questions about the patients condition. People are throwing themselves against walls to make room and there's generally some exciting music playing. I also imagined the scene from the victim's perspective. He or she is looking around dazed at faces yelling at each other and asking the person questions.

"What's your name?"
"What happened to you?"
"Do you have insurance?!"

It was a lot calmer and ginger than that.

Once I was finally in the OR they placed me under those giant saucers with tons of lamps on them that reminded me of the Adobe Light Field Camera that I previously blogged about. They asked me if I was feeling drowsy and honestly I was wide awake. The anesthesiologist told me minutes earlier that she was putting something in my IV to prep me for the anesthesia. I remember being in the OR for about 20 seconds and then I woke up back in my room. I think she tricked me and had me on the anesthesia way before I even made it in the OR! That trickster. I was upset that they didn't put a thing over my mouth so I could say something clever like "Oh let's light this mother... Ooh. I'm getting sleeeeeeeeepy."

As I woke up I laid in bed, had some water and was on my way in about less than an hour. The operation of course required that they shave half of my crotch and the incision is being held together with medical staples. When I get to remove the dressing tomorrow, I can only imagine that my crotch will look something similar to Two Face from The Dark Knight. Thankfully due to medical advances I won't be out of commission for two long, although I have no idea when I can finally move around well. I'm currently doing "the old man shuffle" everywhere I walk. I feel like I may have misunderestimated how long I was going to be out. Makes me wish I brought my Xbox 360 to my mother's house so I can beat Fallout 3.

In a coincidental twist, I should be all healed by the time New Years hits so I can lump in my surgery and newly fixed body into whatever ill conceived New Year's Resolution I make. Speaking of which, resolutions are a subject I am going to touch on in a future post. For now, I am going to old man shuffle into the kitchen, get some soda and finally beat Phoenix Wright on my DS.