I started realizing a lot of important things about myself today.
Work
Even still, I am not happy. Yet. I have a decent steady job now, but, the enviornment is like a double edged sword. On the one hand, the pay is pretty good. We get free lunch everyday that is ALWAYS delicious and the atmosphere is really laid back. What's bad about it is that I work in a department that requires me to know a hell of a lot, where I am on of the only two males, everyone is at least 10 years older than me, 45% of them are pregnant and I really have nothing to talk to about with no one. In many ways, it's such an awkward enviornment, even for someone as outgoing as me. I've realized the departments at my job go in tiers (I work at a student loan consolidation company, if I haven't told you that already.) The sales floor is the most exciting. it has the most workers, it's fun, crazy and everyone is around my age. The references room has people around my age also. It's less subdued, however people are still very loud and excitable. Most of the time people are standing up with their headsets or talking. I work in status which is just another way of saying customer service departmnet. Everyone is middle aged, much more subdued and during last week's shuffle madness (deadline for new interest rates), it's been non-stop busy. I really am so displaced. In reality though, it IS the best department for me. I am a great listener, I am good at talking to people, people with bad attitudes do not bother me if not, humor me greatly and I love helping people. I'd honestly lose my mind with boredom being in references or data entry.
When I think about it, I really think I was one of the better candidates. As far as I can tell, you need to pay your dues before you become a sales person. It's the job that probably requires the most amount of knowledge, trust from the company and charisma. Out of everyone that got hired the day I did, I was the only one who worked in status. Everyone was either in data entry and two went to references. Either the boss speaks a good game, or he really thinks I am a good person, outgoing, smart and can see how hard I want to excel. Hopefully I get to step up soon enough because I can already tell working in status will not only bore me, but not challenge me enough to stay motivated.
Because of the deadline rush, I couldn't really be on the phones much. As it stands now, I do know enough to handle most easy calls, however, how can you tell when an easy call is coming in? Also, considering everyone was in a mad dash last week, the company didn't have time to train the new employees. So most of my first week was A LOT of watching and learning. Which isn't that bad aof a learning tool, but doing it for 9 hours straight gets pretty boring. Today was absolutely dead. For the last two hours, I just did data entry type work because my supervisor saw how out of my mind bored I was.
I like lunch because it's always free and always delicuous. It's also the only time I ever get to talk to people my age. Most of the harder workers just eat at their desks. Especially last week when work was hectic. But in the end, I feel extremely out of place at work and it's the only thing that makes me hate working there.
Motivation
Sparks of motivation are coming here and there and I only need some money (We get paid bi-weekly so I won't get paid til next Thursday) and time to set aside to get projects running.
The day I went to interview for my job, I met this really friendly and interesting girl named Jeauvon. We immediately clicked and decided we need to make music together. The idea of making the kind of music we can together really excited me. We both seem to have a completely different sense of style and flair that I think could mesh well given time to mix.
Also, a friend of mine not only opted to shoot and edit footage for me, but we also secured a spot on Clifton public access (which is the provider for the people in my area.) A few friends of mine have been kicking the idea around of doing a sketch comedy show and now is our chance!
Finally, now that I have a job, I can do some of the things I always wanted to do but never had the finacial means to accomplish. One of the more important of the few is getting tons of excellent magazine subscriptions. One of which is READY MADE magazine. I picked up a copy today and it has a lot of interesting things I want to make and buy. So, in the coming weeks, look out for some stuff and I cannot wait to subscribe and make even more radical stuff.
Finally...
Call it lame because it is, but there's times it really gets to you being single. Not that it matters so much, but there's times where it forces you into a hole you can either chose to ignore or acknowledge for what it is. The funny thing is that I am used to being single and used to not having my girlfriends be a constant part of the mix, when I WAS dating. But honestly, when 90% of your friends are not only in relationships, but have their other half be constant part of your circle of friends, you'll eventually be the odd man out one day. And even still, not being able to take part in public displays of affection or having someone cute to share dinner with is not a big deal. But, wandering around a bookstore alone, while your friends have someone to gawk at neat books with, just feels awkward. No matter who you're with, you'll just feel like a 5th wheel. It's never intentional. Both friends love you the same and probably don't even mind you're there, but, an odd man out knows when he's the odd man out. Don't we?
Couple that with the notion that I very well may need to move out next month or so, it puts your head in a spin. I may need a room mate. Maybe two if I want a lot more space depending on where we go. And therein lies my biggest dilema at the moment. For the life of me, I DO NOT want to live with any non-artists/muscians/creative types. Now, that may sound very artsy or frou frou of me, but, it's an important part of life. Is it really selfish to ask for someone who will do more for me than pay their half of the bill? Is it selfish to want someone who I can view as an equal, as a peer, as a rival or even a major inspiration? It's inevitable that we're all going to work shit jobs because they will pay well, but, everyone one of us with an ounce of creativity knows in our heart of hearts, that we don't want the food being put on our table to be from that source forever. We all have dreams. We can bite the bullet and just take the high road, the high pay, the high life even. But, you know the cost. It's that starving artist in us. The big, defiant and unrealistic voice that says, "I'd rather be poor and do a job I love every day than work a high paying job that sucks the life and color out of me!" Defiant. Big. Unrealistic. We know it. We sit besides our guitars, pencils and power tools thinking those will be the avenues of a better future. What scares us the most is knowing that maybe we'll slip and fall and never get back into the groove. We'll have to depend on our high paying desk jobs to have children, an oil changes, healthier food and premium cable.
What I am saying is that, if I can try and live an ideal life in some small way, then let me try and get there with people inching for the same thing. If it means living business casual with other poor souls with the same heart for a few years so we can one day save all our pennies, by super computers and huge amps, buckets of paint and better dancing shoes, then what the fuck, let me try to get there with those people. Is it too big, too defiant and too unrealistic for me to want to live with people willing to make it. Make it big, make it underground or just make. If I make a handbag out of a tennis racket case and think I'm the shit, doing video game journalism or performing on TV, can I just be happy with that? Can't I ask for you to live with me if you're doing that? And maybe that narrows it down to such a small few. People that are not ready to take the leap. To leave their parents houses and sell out for a few years so we can pray to the gods we've saved enough to press our own records and make our own t-shirts. You think I'm ready? No.
But I'd like to pray to the same gods that I can do it with someone.
PS: I realized I may or may not be a bit manic-depressive.
